I've run into a problem while I've been here at Fort Leonard Wood.
I've got a double whammy going against me. I'm female, and I'm a reservist.
Now, normally, I wouldn't want to use that as an excuse, but it is my own lame excuse for how I'm feeling right now. Females are automatically treated differently in this environment, and because females are the weaker sex and have to prove themselves in a male dominated environment like this. Now if I was an active duty soldier, I don't think this would be such an issue, because I would be more used to it and I could buck it up and do what I have to do.
But I'm not. I'm a reservist. Meaning I play this game one weekend a month. And when I'm not going to the drill hall playing soldier, I work a part time job at a retail gig and I go to school full time. I have a life (yeah, a lame one, but one none the less) outside of the army. I'm an independent thinker. I have to know what's going on and why. And often times, especially from being screwed over by former NCOICs in the past (namely one) I feel the need to constantly defend myself and my actions. Which is precisely not the mindset one needs to have in a school like this.
What am I getting at? Well, as much as I would like to say I'm a gung-ho, badass, super soldier, I'm not. This school is trying me at every turn and I've discovered since I've been here that I'm not the same person I was when I was a 19 year old private entering basic combat training. This was the kind of thing I wanted to do back then. I'm discovering that it isn't so much what I want to do now.
My goal is to get my hat and go back to my unit. If things start looking up or I can get a complete change of attitude, I might volunteer for a year deployment downrange, but right now, I don't think its something I want to do. I do know that I have to get my hat, this is not an option. I have to get it so I'm going to keep going with this school whether I have a change of heart or not. I just got to keep a level head and try to get my motivation back.
We're in week four now. This school has definitely had its ups and downs. Unfortunately, more downs then ups. Not a cake walk. I was hoping it would be a little more fun.
I remember getting a kick out of basic training, and that is not considered easy training either. I'm still trying to pinpoint exactly what is different this time around then before but I think it has more to do with ignorance as a private and knowing and expecting more as a sergeant.
Six more weeks.