Vanity, or Lack Thereof

I've got this DVD player that I recently bought that records DVDs. Theres also a VHS player attached so you can record old VHS tapes on DVD. Plus, well, its built to take your camcorder and plug it in and convert your home videos onto DVD (or VHS, if your old school like that)

I took out my tapes I took last year in Kosovo and was kind of watching them a bit just now. Now, I don't mind what I looked like going through the mobilization process and all of that, but I got a tape of me half way through the deployment (like, in July or something) and I kind of got in a squirm mode. Nothing like a deployment to sap all the feminine qualities out of a person, plus I had my hair short in that awkward mid growth phase and I just felt, well, ugly.

The thing is, you were surrounded by ugly people, you looked at yourself every day like this, and you really didn't notice it. In fact, I never really called myself a real beauty ever in my life but when I was in Kosovo and I was looking at some of the pictures of me as a civilian and I remember actually thinking 'man, I did look really good.' Its because Kosovo is what I knew, and seeing myself in that light made everyone else look glamorous. I mean, you looked at people back home or whatever and even if they were average, well, from my point of view they were knock outs.

I have come to the conclusion that I only need to cut my hair Dyke short once in my life and I did it January 2005. Never again I tell you. I liked my hair in the spikey look, but the growing out phase is just more hideous then I can stand.

At least now I can look in the mirror again and think 'ok, I look pretty good now.' However, any time I go back and see pictures of me last year, I want to scream and run the other way.

Strange how you get into those mindsets.