Looking Inward

Well, back from my two and a half week vacation. . . and it feels good to be home.

I always say home is where your stuff is. And I got a lot of stuff.

Anyway, I have some things to bring up about my trip, but some of it will have to wait. I'll have pictures and stuff up later.

Meanwhile, I discovered that I am extremely sensative sometimes. I need to grow a backbone and finally realize that indeed no, the world and everyone else's lives do NOT revolve around me.

Unfortunately, i've gotten used to the fact that often times my participation in events is often times overlooked. The first time it really happened where I noticed it was Senior Year in high school. I participated in this whole Leadership Camp thing where you're supposedly supposed to get really close to these people around you that are in your same group and totally bond.

Well, one thing I had learned back at Leadership Camp is I really don't like myself that much. And apparently other people find me forgetable. When we did a little project, we were given scenerios in which under certain circumstances, we could only have one person in our group do this event with us. There were about a dozen or so people in our group, we were given about a dozen scenerios, and everyone went around the group saying who they would want to be with in case this or this happened.

I guess it was supposed to make you feel good about yourself when other people chose you for whatever reasons due to your strengths or what not. Only one small detail to behold.

My name was not mentioned once by any of the other people throughout the entire excercise. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I guess it's one of those things where a part of you really wants to matter to other people, that you have a purpose to the rest of the world and your interaction actually means something.

I continually doubt myself, I don't trust myself with people, and I guess I just withdraw because I don't like to find myself in those situations. How did this stark contrast between my child hood, adolescence and adulthood come about? Why is there no consistancies between these three events?

Why do i keep hating myself?