Well, at the awards ceremony today, I looked back in retrospect on this deployment and realized how bad of a deployment for me it was. And in a lot of ways. Now, don't get me wrong, a lot of good things happened as well. But I will undoubtedly look back on Kosovo and will not look at to many things very fondly. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't really connect really well with too many people in my Task Force and ended up going to other Task Forces to hook up with people. A lot of it had to do with me and trying to discover where I am in life and where I belong, as it sure in hell isn't the medical field. And then a part of me realized that what I really want to do is yell at a certain somebody who's name, rank and position will all remain anonymous. Oh that would do me some good.
The problem is or so I've discovered, is that I have a problem communicating in words (writing is so much easier for me, or so I have discovered) I often find myself tongue tied trying to spit out what I want to say. And I've had instances where I've really wanted to communicate how I was feeling and what I was thinking without blubbering like a baby. Man how I hate that part of me. And this certain somebody, for some reason, I've had a tough time communicating with them on these accounts because I felt like I would break down, which would show that I was weak, and often times that is how they saw me. In fact, I'm sure that's how they see me, because they've made it quite clear in the past what they thought of me in my performance and what not. They make it point blank clear, with how they treat me as opposed to my peers.
I found out recently that I really don't like talking to this person, I don't even like being around them. Everytime they seem to want to talk to me they make me feel bad about myself and make me feel like I'm just not cut out for the army, when at one time long before this deployment everybody seemed to remark on what a good soldier I was.
And then I looked back and tried to think about how different this deployment would have been if that person had not been involved in it. If somebody else had come in this person's place. I think this person has in effect, killed this deployment.